Dishonorable Discharge: Kim(berly)
Probably the single most 'special' hamster this show has ever seen, and there's been a lot. Even though she said she wasn't feeling modeling and the designer clothes that went along with it, there's a good chance that it was just a front and excuse (bad excuse, at that) for whatever inane impressions that she had about the reality television experience. Hey, if you're not having a good time, get out while you're still sane, but you're not fooling me, Ms. Down to Earth Blonde.13th Place: Atalya
Everything about this one, from her attitude to her non-offensive appearances, dictated that she might stay around for a little while, but would never win this competition. Thankfully, the judges caught onto that also at the earliest opportunity, and put Atalya out of her misery fast before she could tell us how awesome she is again.
12th Place: Allison
A poster at TelevisionWithoutPity described Atalya's attitude and edit as "blind overconfidence combined with stunning mediocrity"; I feel that such a label, while apt, describes Allison far, far better. She didn't register with me at all until I got a whiff of her cockiness and stank in motion (black Barbie takes it up the butt, anyone?). I had hoped that she would stick around to make waves with everyone as the House Bitch, but I shed no tears when she was cut loose.
11th Place: Amis (nee Amy)
As a member of the cast, Amis was great fun to watch; for every sentence full of garbage and nonsense that she spewed out, it was delivered with a sincerely zany quality and a crisp, understandable voice. It's too bad that she couldn't bring any of that to her pho-tos, because they were some of the worst in the history of this show. I wouldn't mind seeing her as a TV host, though.
10th Place: Marvita
Marvita was almost in the same boat as Amis: fun to watch, but just wasn't cutting it overall. Her lingerie shot was a great pho-to, one of my personal favorites of all time, but after seeing her down Olde English with Lauren, and then show up to the next shoot draped from head to toe, I'm not fully convinced that a hangover wasn't what did her in at the end.
9th Place: Aimee
As a model, Aimee was passably good, great skin, nice body. But this isn't a real modeling competition, this is America's Next Top Model, and if you can't smile with your eyes and bring fierceness in spades, then your days are numbered. She had a good attitude and energy, albeit a bit young and naive.
8th Place: Claire
Ah, Claire. CGotW-winning, breast-feeding mommy, slightly kiss-ass Claire. From her legwarmers in her pre-show pho-to, I knew she was one to watch out for, bigtime. But at the same time, I figured that the judges would find a reason to can her when they got bored with her. And find a reason we did: they felt she was one-note, and I felt she was sycophantic.
7th Place: Stacy-Ann
What's there to say about this one? Her jaw, her giddy personality, her stroke of luck near the end, the Heat Miser hair... Obvious filler, and I counted the episodes till she was sent home. She was a good sport about getting tossed right before leaving for Italy, though, and her walk was pretty good in a cycle of non-walkers.
6th Place: Lauren
Speaking of non-walkers! Lauren's pho-tos were consistently awesome and mind-blowing, along with her punk-rock confessionals and her coffee fight with Fatima (choke on it, yuh big baby!). On top of that, she actually dressed like a working model in front of the judges, unlike some others. But she was the Anti-Covergirl, and it showed loud and clear in her commercial, which was trainwreck enough to undo half a cycle of great pho-tos. (Don't let the screencap fool you, that's the closest to a smile she mustered throughout her entire commercial.)
5th Place: Kitty-Kata
From the start, I knew that with her beauty and looks, Katarzyna'd make it to the final 3 easily as long as she made a few fierce faces and smiled with her eyes. I was partially right; unfortunately, she was undone by failing to impress Tyra, and falling flat at the wrong pho-to shoot. To add insult to injury, she was such a non-entity that when I think of her, all I remember are unfortunate style choices (two different makeovers, boob-skewing sweaters) and a name that no one could pronounce right.
4th Place: Dominique
And then there was Dominique. Where to start? She was extremely versatile, in that she could easily go from soft-and-feminine to harsh-drag-queen-mannish. With the wrong makeup and wrong outfit, which she managed to wear whenever a camera was on her, it was hard to look at her sometimes. Add to that her self-confidence that was construed as delusions of grandeur, and Dominique's ability to talk about how great Dominique is, in the third person and at length, and you've got a cycle-long comedy goldmine. She will be missed by me.
3rd Place: Fatima
Fatima is another girl who was propelled extremely far on her looks, and her backstory (suffered from female genital mutilation as a child in Somalia); when she first showed up, I was not at all impressed with her in the least until they got rid of her awful cheeto hair. After that, her stock with me rose extremely slowly, mostly due to her stealth-bitch nature that left tons of trouble in her wake. But the final nail in her coffin was her inability to take direction, which really, you're a model; you stand around, look pretty, and do what people tell you to do! I do hope she has success speaking against the horrors of FGM, though.
Runner-Up: Anya
My favorite woodland creature on the planet! Anya had a great, upbeat attitude about anything and everything that this show threw her way, got naked for challenge wins twice, and for the most part, knocked most all of the pho-to shoots out of the park. It could be argued that she deserved to win on some level, but 'deserve' is the way wrong word to use for a televised modeling competition; victory in a venue such as this isn't a birthright for anyone. I'm just happy and elated that I got to see her dance like a butterfly, frolic in the leaves, and purr like the cuddly kitty that she is right till the end.
America's Next Top Model: Whitney!
Yes, Whitney is stank. Yes, she can barely mask her bitchy nature at any given point. Yes, most signs pointed to an Anya win being more justified. But where Anya was an ephemeral creature that would float around in my dreams and bring me joy, Whitney was that dreamer surrogate that reminded me that I'm in reality, and reality isn't always sunshine and rainbows and leaf-frolicking. She managed to do what most plus-sized models on this show couldn't do: keep the barrage of indicators that she would not win from making her bitch up and crawl into a fetal position (although she came close). I'm glad that she won, because as alluded to before, she reminds me of myself: not-skinny, slightly stank, and even if I'm not trying to be America's Next Top Model, it gives me confidence that I can achieve my own goals...
...such as bagging one of those Italian male models. One ticket to Rome, please.
No comments:
Post a Comment