Pho-to Shoots: Lingerie Lounging

Cycle 1: Lingerie, Part 1: In Paris

Concept: As always, I'm willing to give Cycle 1 a little lee-way as far as barebones concepts go, since the producers didn't have any other past shoots to trump. The models are in Paris, and what's the first thing Americans think of when they hear 'Paris'? Eiffel Tower. What does it have to do with WonderBra? Sponsorship, natch. B-
Composition: The lighting is fine, the pho-to composition is good. After repeat viewings of this episode and the shoot, I don't know what the hell was up with the photographer; if the models seem stiff and statue-like, it's because that control freak of a photographer wanted their body parts to be in the exact.right.spot. C
Execution: Speaking of that, the execution of these 'ads' wouldn't be half bad if the bras and models had been shown well to the camera, instead of being covered up by Mr. Pinkert. But what good is an ad if you can't see the product? D
Overall: Crappy pho-tos, but I blame the photographer. D+

Cycle 4: Lingerie, Part 2: In a Pillow Fight

Concept: Well, this is something that's cute, flirty, and almost original: sexy girl in pillow fight with sexy guy, while wearing underwear. Even though I'm not the target audience of a WonderBra ad, it manages to speak to the (pre)pubescent girl in me, and plus, I'm never opposed to putting more shirtless male models on this show. A
Composition: As the results attest, this is a very tricky concept for a model to execute, especially models that can't move on-camera without LoUBs washing over their faces. While the models, and the pho-tos, were able to capture a really great energy, many of the pictures are overwhelmed by feathers, and most of the girls are stuck in the shadows. B-
Execution: One or two of these pho-tos might make a really good ad, and some of the others would do well in the girls' portfolios, but many of these are just fun snapshots of a super-cool slumber party. C
Overall: Maybe you'll get lucky next time, girls. C+

Bonus!
Cycle 10: Lingerie, Part 3: In Front of a Bridge

Concept: A small amount of background: since Cycle 4, ANTM has been filming in LA instead of NYC, while at the same time upping the ante on how outlandish and gimmicky the pho-to shoots can be. For Cycle 10, along with a move back to NYC, the show went partially back-to-basics, with this shoot exemplifying the shift. It hearkens back to the first bikini shoot: nothing complicated, just semi-nude girls with the city as a backdrop. B+
Composition: Pho-to wise, this is a pretty solid shoot, although the sun is playing hide-and-seek again. This shoot is all about the girls and how well they can carry the lingerie, and they played well to their strengths in their individual pho-tos. A-
Execution: Unlike both of the above shoots, the lingerie can actually be seen, proudly on-display, in all of the pho-tos. After 10 cycles of this, they finally got it right! On top of that, there are quite a few really striking shots that would make excellent ads, and the girl (sans Dominique, natch) look like good models. A
Overall: When it comes to lingerie, less is more. A+

Pho-to Shoots: Get Ugly With It

It's the (hopefully permanent) return of Top Pho-to Shoots! The Rules again, for reference.

Cycle 7: The Freaks Are Coming Out

Concept: Allow me to take this time to say that, compared to almost every other cycle/season of this show, Cycle 7 had some of the most over-the-top, irrelevant pho-to shoots you could think of. This shoot is a prime example of the latter. It's almost too easy to make sideshow/circus/freak jokes about these models, and this show in general, so I'm gonna pass. C
Composition: It's hard to find a complaint about this shoot; I'd say that this is a pretty bang-up job by our ANTM veteran photog, Mike Rosenthal. Even though the pho-tos themselves aren't my usual taste, I can't deny that they're technically flawless, even if the composition is very basic and almost rote (fine, there's a complaint). A-
Execution: Well, the pho-tos certainly capture the eccentric seediness that often surrounds sideshows and their cast members. In some cases, the girls look menacing and convincing as sideshow acts, and in others, a small costume detail will derail the whole illusion. And that's without mentioning Megg's pho-to. B
Overall: It's something different, but different can be good. B-
Extra Credit: Mmmmm... Megg hungry...

Cycle 5: Who's the Jackass, Again?

Concept: Ah, the Wildboyz (FKA the Jackass guys). Do they bring back memories of my middle-school years of my friends crashing into bushes on bikes... just 'cuz. Why they need a bunch of wannabe models to scream in a picture is beyond me, but I don't think anyone on Tyra's staff was paid to actually think, just to garner sponsorships, regardless of how random they might've been. C+
Composition: Which isn't to say that this wasn't a fun set of pho-tos. As nice as it is to look fierce and sexy and whatever, sometimes all that's needed is a radiant energy, and a 'fuck it if I look ugly' attitude, and all of the girls brought it (my personal fave is Kim, middle). It also helps that our Wildboyz are matching their output, and doubling it (Hi, Steve-O's crotch!), making this a jovial, if crass romp of a shoot, with little need to pick apart other factors. A-
Execution: Since I have no idea what the goal was in the first place, I'm gonna throw a dart to the wall and give this shoot a B.
Overall: Good times, good pics, good 'Boyz. A-

The College Student's Guide to Sandra Lee

Over the past few weeks, I have been spending my time mulling over the fantastic creature that is Sandra Lee, and her 'cooking show', Semi-Homemade Cooking. Her stated cooking philosophy is '70% store-bought ingredients, combined with 30% fresh touch, letting you take 100% of the credit'. As a person who generally disdains having to cook things out of a box, much less cooking from scratch, her philosophy should have some amount of resonance with me. But it doesn't, mostly because the presentation of it on her show is absurd to the point of parody.

To start, her manner of speaking and general vocabulary continually straddles the line between 'slightly deficient' and 'cloyingly condescending'. Whenever she expresses surprise at a perfectly reasonable, expected outcome during preparing ingredients (such as juice escaping while cutting a lime, or grill marks on pineapple slices after grilling), I don't know whether to say 'Bless her heart' or 'This isn't my (or your) first time in a kitchen, Sandy!' And that's not taking into account her descriptors of food ('fancy-dancy', 'great (or other vague) flavor', 'thick n' delicious', 'this smells so good!' come to mind), which don't say a damn thing about the food itself. And of course, my favorite Sandraisms come in the following variety, paraphrased: "You'll fool your guests into thinking that you're a better cook than you really are!" Without touching that last assertion, the radiant glow that sparks in her eyes when saying these statements shows that her philosophy is based more on appearances than actual taste.

Not that it succeeds on that front, either. I keep my mind open when it comes to her dishes, but a fair share of her dishes are either unappealing to look at, or they're impractical for the event at hand, and if I were served them, I would have reservations about their presence on my plate. A certain meat 'pizza' comes to mind; over the course of the episode, it had to be switched out twice, looked more like an oversized calzone, and she didn't cut the bulbous thing once. It doesn't help that the pizza was for serving at a poker party; goodness only knows how they were supposed to eat it while playing cards. On the other less-pretty side of the spectrum, there was what I'm guessing was her interpretation of bananas foster, featuring a delightful banana rum sauce that looked like goopy overcooked sugar in the pan, which was haphazardly poured over ice cream and (store-bought) cookies. I've barely begun wading through the depths of her food; I've heard horror stories of how bad her food can get, but I'm going to stick to what I've seen with my own eyes.

There are two things that I haven't touched on yet, that probably warrent their own post together: Cocktail Time!, and the tablescapes. There's not much to say about the 'scapes that doesn't reinforce what I said already (massive preoccupation with appearances, and way overdone), but Cocktail Time is a different beast altogether. This is the segment of the show that, through sheer dumb luck, is more absurd than everything before it. Sandra prepares a lovely cocktail to serve to her guests, and while it doesn't go with any of the food, it's usually the same color as everything on the set, and it's guaranteed to be at least 33% liquor, most likely around the 50% mark. This is where the college coeds, looking to find new drinks for the next big party/drunken-disaster, need to perk their ears up. In most cases, her drinks and punches are only a trashcan and bottle of everclear away from Jungle Juice. You'll probably want to leave off the various choking hazards, though. The way she prepares her cocktails ('A cup, cup and a half, two cups [of tequila], depends on how much fun you wanna have at your party!') exposes the real deception and appearance she's trying to portray: that she isn't a middle-aged not-cook, and that she's still 'cool' and 'hip' and 'fancy-dancy'.

Unfortunately for her, it's not working, but I'm willing to stick around on her journey; for all of the shit I've given her, she manages to give a good piece of time-or-money-saving advice once in a while. And even though I mentioned them once, I haven't lambasted the paltry production values of this thing, mostly because they're one of my favorite parts of this show. Nothing screams 'The editors don't get paid nearly enough' or 'Why bother making sure Sandy's script is right' like watching a badly-sync'ed cutting sequence, or a 15-second-long voiceover that sticks out like edible food on her gaudy tablescapes, respectively. It's things like these slip-ups, and her Sandraisms, that keep me coming back day-to-day, rather than hoping that she'll make a decent recipe or a drink that won't knock me on my ass. I can't emphasize how much I love her special brand of absurdity, as if she's a random, kooky housewife playing the part of a cooking show how; if I wanted a real cooking show, I'd watch Rachael Ray.

Model Behavior, Fourteen Ways

Well, it's been a long(ish) three months, but after 13 episodes of bitchery, mediocrity, and pho-toshoots of questionable relevance to actual modeling, we've finally reached the end of America's Next Top Model, Cycle 10. To commemorate this occasion, I'm going to give a small little eulogy for each of our dear models' careers, in the order that they left this show and our lives forever.

Dishonorable Discharge: Kim(berly)

Probably the single most 'special' hamster this show has ever seen, and there's been a lot. Even though she said she wasn't feeling modeling and the designer clothes that went along with it, there's a good chance that it was just a front and excuse (bad excuse, at that) for whatever inane impressions that she had about the reality television experience. Hey, if you're not having a good time, get out while you're still sane, but you're not fooling me, Ms. Down to Earth Blonde.

13th Place: Atalya

Everything about this one, from her attitude to her non-offensive appearances, dictated that she might stay around for a little while, but would never win this competition. Thankfully, the judges caught onto that also at the earliest opportunity, and put Atalya out of her misery fast before she could tell us how awesome she is again.

12th Place: Allison

A poster at TelevisionWithoutPity described Atalya's attitude and edit as "blind overconfidence combined with stunning mediocrity"; I feel that such a label, while apt, describes Allison far, far better. She didn't register with me at all until I got a whiff of her cockiness and stank in motion (black Barbie takes it up the butt, anyone?). I had hoped that she would stick around to make waves with everyone as the House Bitch, but I shed no tears when she was cut loose.

11th Place: Amis (nee Amy)

As a member of the cast, Amis was great fun to watch; for every sentence full of garbage and nonsense that she spewed out, it was delivered with a sincerely zany quality and a crisp, understandable voice. It's too bad that she couldn't bring any of that to her pho-tos, because they were some of the worst in the history of this show. I wouldn't mind seeing her as a TV host, though.

10th Place: Marvita

Marvita was almost in the same boat as Amis: fun to watch, but just wasn't cutting it overall. Her lingerie shot was a great pho-to, one of my personal favorites of all time, but after seeing her down Olde English with Lauren, and then show up to the next shoot draped from head to toe, I'm not fully convinced that a hangover wasn't what did her in at the end.

9th Place: Aimee

As a model, Aimee was passably good, great skin, nice body. But this isn't a real modeling competition, this is America's Next Top Model, and if you can't smile with your eyes and bring fierceness in spades, then your days are numbered. She had a good attitude and energy, albeit a bit young and naive.

8th Place: Claire

Ah, Claire. CGotW-winning, breast-feeding mommy, slightly kiss-ass Claire. From her legwarmers in her pre-show pho-to, I knew she was one to watch out for, bigtime. But at the same time, I figured that the judges would find a reason to can her when they got bored with her. And find a reason we did: they felt she was one-note, and I felt she was sycophantic.

7th Place: Stacy-Ann

What's there to say about this one? Her jaw, her giddy personality, her stroke of luck near the end, the Heat Miser hair... Obvious filler, and I counted the episodes till she was sent home. She was a good sport about getting tossed right before leaving for Italy, though, and her walk was pretty good in a cycle of non-walkers.

6th Place: Lauren

Speaking of non-walkers! Lauren's pho-tos were consistently awesome and mind-blowing, along with her punk-rock confessionals and her coffee fight with Fatima (choke on it, yuh big baby!). On top of that, she actually dressed like a working model in front of the judges, unlike some others. But she was the Anti-Covergirl, and it showed loud and clear in her commercial, which was trainwreck enough to undo half a cycle of great pho-tos. (Don't let the screencap fool you, that's the closest to a smile she mustered throughout her entire commercial.)

5th Place: Kitty-Kata

From the start, I knew that with her beauty and looks, Katarzyna'd make it to the final 3 easily as long as she made a few fierce faces and smiled with her eyes. I was partially right; unfortunately, she was undone by failing to impress Tyra, and falling flat at the wrong pho-to shoot. To add insult to injury, she was such a non-entity that when I think of her, all I remember are unfortunate style choices (two different makeovers, boob-skewing sweaters) and a name that no one could pronounce right.

4th Place: Dominique

And then there was Dominique. Where to start? She was extremely versatile, in that she could easily go from soft-and-feminine to harsh-drag-queen-mannish. With the wrong makeup and wrong outfit, which she managed to wear whenever a camera was on her, it was hard to look at her sometimes. Add to that her self-confidence that was construed as delusions of grandeur, and Dominique's ability to talk about how great Dominique is, in the third person and at length, and you've got a cycle-long comedy goldmine. She will be missed by me.

3rd Place: Fatima

Fatima is another girl who was propelled extremely far on her looks, and her backstory (suffered from female genital mutilation as a child in Somalia); when she first showed up, I was not at all impressed with her in the least until they got rid of her awful cheeto hair. After that, her stock with me rose extremely slowly, mostly due to her stealth-bitch nature that left tons of trouble in her wake. But the final nail in her coffin was her inability to take direction, which really, you're a model; you stand around, look pretty, and do what people tell you to do! I do hope she has success speaking against the horrors of FGM, though.

Runner-Up: Anya

My favorite woodland creature on the planet! Anya had a great, upbeat attitude about anything and everything that this show threw her way, got naked for challenge wins twice, and for the most part, knocked most all of the pho-to shoots out of the park. It could be argued that she deserved to win on some level, but 'deserve' is the way wrong word to use for a televised modeling competition; victory in a venue such as this isn't a birthright for anyone. I'm just happy and elated that I got to see her dance like a butterfly, frolic in the leaves, and purr like the cuddly kitty that she is right till the end.

America's Next Top Model: Whitney!

Yes, Whitney is stank. Yes, she can barely mask her bitchy nature at any given point. Yes, most signs pointed to an Anya win being more justified. But where Anya was an ephemeral creature that would float around in my dreams and bring me joy, Whitney was that dreamer surrogate that reminded me that I'm in reality, and reality isn't always sunshine and rainbows and leaf-frolicking. She managed to do what most plus-sized models on this show couldn't do: keep the barrage of indicators that she would not win from making her bitch up and crawl into a fetal position (although she came close). I'm glad that she won, because as alluded to before, she reminds me of myself: not-skinny, slightly stank, and even if I'm not trying to be America's Next Top Model, it gives me confidence that I can achieve my own goals...





...such as bagging one of those Italian male models. One ticket to Rome, please.